I've been here before, and I hate it. I hate the impact it has on others and how it makes me feel. But I displace a lot of my unpleasant emotions so I honestly have no clue how I got on this negative train.
In church on Sunday, I cried as I absorbed the words of one of the worship songs:
Our God is greater, our God is stronger, God you are higher than any other, our God is healer, awesome in power, our God, our GodIt hit me that, while I believe these truths about God, I'm not walking in them right now. In that moment, all of the ambiguity, relational challenges and irritations, "shoulds," disappointments, new learnings, and feelings of inadequacy raced through my mind. I've been dwelling on them more than I realized and living in the lie that God isn't powerful enough to change people or circumstances, or to give me His peace in the midst of it all.
In the busy-ness of life, I haven't made it a priority to pray and process with the Lord all that's happening, yet I desperately need His perspective. Over the past few weeks, I've checked the box more often than I've deeply related to my Father. I haven't gotten alone to journal and to sit quietly so I can hear from Him. I've merely blurted out my needs (demands??), asked Him to come through for me, and quickly moved on to the next thing.
Yet Scripture plainly says it's in being alone with Jesus where He gives grace and understanding and perspective.
When he was alone with his disciples, he went over everything, sorting out the tangles, untying the knots. (4:34)
"When God gets us alone through suffering, heartbreak, temptation, disappointment, sickness, or by thwarted desires, a broken friendship, or a new friendship - when He gets us absolutely alone, and we are totally speechless, unable to ask even one question, then He begins to teach us. Notice Jesus Christ's training of the Twelve. It was the disciples, not the crowd outside, who were confused...
"As you journey with God, the only thing He intends to be clear is the way He deals with your soul...There are vast areas of stubbornness and ignorance the Holy Spirit has to reveal in each of us, but it can only be done when Jesus gets us alone. Are we alone with Him now? Or are we more concerned with our own ideas, friendships, and cares for our bodies? Jesus cannot teach us anything until we quiet all our intellectual questions and get alone with Him." Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His HighestThat's exactly what I need - time alone with the Lord for Him to sort out tangles, to untie knots, and to show me what's in my own heart. I have no doubt He has plenty to reveal in me if I will only listen.
"Are you listening to this? Really listening?" (4:9, 23)
3 comments:
Love this Cici! Thanks for sharing. "The funks" can be a real stronghold of its own. I really don't like those days either. Dan wil say, "why are you not smiling"? Of course that makes it worse, but he has a point there. You're in my thoughts and prayers today my friend!
I can identify! I paused over that same section this morning, too.
Lately I've allowed some overwhelming stress to leak out of me through unkindness and impatience. I've been very attentive to the details and lists of my circumstances, but I haven't created space to sit and soak in the Word. My journal has been sadly underutilized, and it's through writing that Jesus often speaks peace and hope, joy and healing to my soul.
What a timely reminder.
Agreed. Thanks for the timely reminder. And reminder of His grace. Everytime I feel like I'm off schedule or being lazier than I think I should be or being more impatient or mean, I'm quick to want to condemn rather than to thank Jesus for His sacrifice for all my sins, past, present and future and move forward in His grace, forgiveness and love.
Reminded today of the disciples in the boat who still didn't know who Jesus was. Who were still full of fear. Moved on with my day today literally brightening my room, pulling back the curtains of the day and letting Jesus calm my storms in prayer and trying to be still to listen and soak in His Word and love for me.
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