"But to sing these truths, to learn them in the corridor and celebrate them in the meadow, you must recognize your lingering inclination to think you've arrived, to believe that you have lived in such a way that obligates Me to bless you. Brokenness and dependence must define your journey. There is a battle raging inside of you." 66 LLLast year's journey through the New Testament was a blur. I felt like I had to read through the chapters too quickly to fully absorb the deep truths. This year, a chapter a day has been about the right pace for me, especially in Romans. God is using this "piece of exuberant and passionate thinking" (66 LL) to dismantle me and to encourage me to cooperate with what I sense He wants to do in my life.
In fresh ways, I'm seeing how my pride is preventing my spiritual and emotional growth. I've fallen into the trap of thinking that I'm not so bad and that I can effectively manage my sin, along with my image. But God is showing me that I can't. Today I absolutely identify with the Israelites:
[I]nstead of trusting God, they took over. They were absorbed in what they themselves were doing. They were so absorbed in their "God projects" that they didn't notice God right in front of them, like a huge rock in the middle of the road. (9:33)There are sinful attitudes that I've learned to live with, and I've pushed Him out of the areas of life that I haven't wanted to dig into. It's seemed easier to ignore them, to bury them in shame, and to stay busy, than to intentionally expose them to the Light.
But because God has made me a somebody (9:25), made me His beloved (9:25), and called me by name (9:26), I can no longer keep stumbling over this huge rock in the middle of my road. I'm realizing that He's the One who keeps putting Himself there for me because He wants brokenness and dependence to define my journey with Him.
"Paul has been dealing specifically with the Jews, but the theology he's developed under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit is applicable to everyone. Receiving grace is necessary not simply for our eternal salvation but for all the everyday salvations we need here and now - all the daily deliverances we need from our battles with the world, the flesh, and the Devil." Eugene Peterson, Conversations, pg. 1755
3 comments:
Beautifully honest insight, Cici. My thoughts towards God have been similar lately - like the Israelites in vs. 31, I don't want to miss God in the midst of my doing and giving.
This chapter in Romans has always been a challenging one for me.
“I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.” It does not, therefore, depend on man's desire or effort, but on God's mercy. Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden.
The hardening part is especially hard. So I am one of those who is asking the very question Paul addresses:
One of you will say to me: “Then why does God still blame us? For who resists his will?” But who are you, O man, to talk back to God? “Shall what is formed say to him who formed it, ‘Why did you make me like this?’ ” Does not the potter have the right to make out of the same lump of clay some pottery for noble purposes and some for common use? (Romans 9:15, 16, 18-21 NIV84)
It isn't an easy answer to swallow. Paul basically tells us not to question God. To submit to His authority and not assume we can even try to understand His purposes. In my prideful, human mind, there's a part of me that demands an answer, that feels entitled to an answer.
Isn't that how our culture is today? We demand answers. We have rights. We have expectations. We have entitlements. This attitude of saying, "I am clay, so who am I? How could I question my Maker?" is a very humble one.
I am so far from that, Lord. Help me to be okay in the mess of things, when I don't have the answers, to be willing to submit to Your will, trusting that You ultimately know best and that I don't NEED to know, I don't NEED the answers, because you are totally in control of my life and every detail that will come to pass.
I pray for a willing, submissive, humble heart that accepts your will and says, like Your Son did in the garden, "Not my will, but Yours be done."
Yes, Amanda. I so want God to fall in line with my finite logic and wisdom, yet He is teaching me that He is so much bigger than that, so much more.
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