A few hours ago I received an email from the woman who is helping us with our adoption. You may remember that the last news from Rwanda was that all approved families would be able to adopt. That's the assumption we've been operating under for the past month. The uncertainty then became the timing, not if the adoption would happen.
Yeah, not so fast.
Tina's email today contained some potentially devastating news. Some approved families have just received official letters from the Rwandan government that their adoption files have been closed for good. As in, game over because Rwanda is now officially closed to adoption.
It was shocking news to our attorneys - in Rwanda, mind you - and we don't know if all of the remaining approved families are going to receive the same letter. We will hopefully know more tomorrow when our Rwandan attorney meets with the head of the government commission on adoption.
So here I sit with Mark chapter 16, trying to get my thoughts in order, wondering what the Lord could possibly say to me in this state of mind. But I guess it's no surprise that He has something to say because God's Word is always timely and relevant, and it brings peace to my heart.
[Mary Magdalene, Mary, and Salome] got out as fast as they could, beside themselves, their heads swimming. Stunned, they said nothing to anyone. (16:8)
"All four gospel writers tell this resurrection story, each in his own way. It's a happy ending to a terrible experience. Except that Mark doesn't tell it as a happy ending. Perhaps that's why the later manuscripts of this gospel added verses 9-20...
"We know that these women later did become obedient and pass on the message. We know that they did worship and rejoice and believe. But for now, they didn't. And Mark takes great pains to let us know that they didn't. He leaves the story dangling.
"Is this any way to end a Bible story? Is this the kind of thing you want your pastor preaching on Easter? What's Mark doing anyway?
"Here's what he's doing. He's telling us that now we're at the hard part. This isn't going to be easy. It wasn't easy for Mary Magdalene. It's wasn't easy for Mary the mother of James. It wasn't easy for Salome. And it isn't going to be easy for you or for me.
"Later it becomes easier. But not now.
"Everything was easier than this dangling ambiguity. Getting in on the healings, listening to the teachings, following Jesus to Jerusalem. Even witnessing the terrible sufferings, watching Jesus die, and coming to the tomb to care for Jesus' dead body. Even that was easier than this.
"This isn't simply a continuation of what these women had experienced previously. This is different. God is alive and present in Jesus. Nothing they did accounts for this. Nothing we do accounts for this. They were not in charge. We are not in charge. They were not in control. We are not in control.
"Resurrection turns the tables. No longer am I doing something for God; he is doing something for me. No longer am I drawn by my needs to God; he is drawn by his compassion to me, whether I'm ready for him or not, whether I feel anything for him or not. That means you and I are not in charge; he is. That means that you and I aren't coming to God; he is coming to us.
"We didn't expect that. We never expect that. And, like the women at Christ's tomb, we are beside ourselves, our heads swimming, stunned. For it means the end of one way of life in which we know where we stand, and the beginning of another in which we don't know what will happen at all." Eugene Peterson, Conversations, pg. 1574So here I am in dangling ambiguity, as Peterson calls it, wondering what the future holds, and thinking that everything seems easier than this. Even in this moment though, I recognize that I'm learning things anew through this adoption process.
Clearly, we are not in charge. We are not in control. And we aren't doing something for God through this adoption. He is the One in charge, and He is doing something for us. Thankfully, in our heartache, He is coming to us with compassion.
Honestly, at this point, I am beside myself, head swimming, stunned. All I can do is cling to the Lord and trust in His goodness and sovereignty, knowing that He put these desires in our hearts. We're not at the end of the road yet on this adoption. Perhaps tomorrow??
In this adventure with Him, all I know is that I don't know what will happen at all.
2 comments:
Cici, I hurt for you and wonder what God's big picture plan is in all of this. I am encouraged to know that He is drawing your heart to His, though, even through this process as I watch you lean in towards Him. Thank you for ministering to us in the midst of your pain!
For me, personally, while I'm not going through anything major like adoption, I felt these verses spoke to me, where I am right now. I had my mother stay with me for several days and at the end of it all, as I often do with her, I felt misunderstood and judged, quite frankly. I tend to be pretty honest with my sin and since it's unfortunately rather outwardly obvious sin (anger), it is ugly and is to see.
What hurt me was the fact that as I was trying to share my need for Jesus and how my anger actually draws me to himself, she judged and criticized me and gave me a pep talk of "just be a better person." At first, I was angry and defensive and hurt for trying to be honest with my sin, but ultimately felt condemned. Yet God convicted me that what I should feel is sadness and love for her...that I should desire that she also know the POWER of the resurrection and the DEPTH of the good news. That without Christ dying and rising again, we would be NOTHING. We would have NOTHING but this short, temporal life to live. But instead, we have EVERYTHING.
As Easter approaches and we continue to read through the Gospels, my prayer for all of us is to press into Christ during this time, to walk through His sufferings and deeply embraced what He did for us. What a beautiful, precious gift His death and resurrection is for us. What good news!!!
Praying for you and Harry as you seek God and wait on Him.
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