As they left, a religion scholar asked if he could go along, "I'll go with you, wherever," he said. (8:19)Boy, how many times have I flippantly said that to Jesus? Enough to make me realize that, like the religion scholar, I don't always mean it. It's no wonder that Jesus response was "curt." (8:20)
Do I want to truly follow Jesus? Absolutely. Do I trust that His plan is best for my life? I really do. I'm one of those people who isn't afraid to surrender to Jesus. (I messed up my life royally before I came to Christ in my mid-twenties so I have no illusions about what it looks like for me to be in control.)
But this is where it gets a little tricky for me. The flip side of my glass-half-full view of life is that I don't always count the cost before diving in and don't always recognize the potential for pain and suffering - which, by the way, I do my level best to avoid.
Yet the more I "go with Jesus, wherever," the more I run into that pain and suffering. Recently, the pain has been primarily in digging in and dealing with my deep-rooted sin, in figuring out my role and purpose in this phase of life, with broken family relationships, but especially with the adoption.
The adoption wasn't my idea. We've never been "those people" who always knew we would adopt. Not even close. We usually prefer comfort and nice vacations, so we were caught totally off guard by God's call to adopt. Thankfully though, we've both experienced incredible joy and satisfaction in obeying Him in this unexpected adventure and in the prospect of another little one in our family.
But here we are, almost two years into the adoption process, with no clear end in sight, struggling with the ambiguity and the underlying emotional stress of it all. It's not quite the adventurous "wherever" I had in mind as I trusted Jesus and jumped with both feet into the adoption world.
(Just FYI: Harry wasn't able to get through to any government officials in Rwanda last week. Our match deadline has come and gone, but we have no answer as to what that really means.)
No doubt, our relatively short fuses, and sinful responses to each other, are symptoms of not dealing well with the pressure and uncertainty. Clearly, I haven't exactly been a good model of the Spirit-filled life lately. :-(
Yet I look at Jesus' response to the religion scholar, and to another follower asking to be excused, and know that Jesus' words are for me as well.
"Are you ready to rough it?" (8:20)
"First things first....Follow me. Pursue life." (8:22)It reminds me that my Lord never promised His call would be easy or pain-free. In fact, many times, He promises His followers the exact opposite, and I'm experiencing that first-hand.
He also tells me to pursue Him with all my heart. He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. (John 14:6) He is worthy. He rightly deserves first place in my life. That means listening to Him through His Word and obeying what He reveals to me; trusting Him when I see little evidence of Him working on our behalf; and believing that everything He does - even this unfathomable adoption delay - is for His glory and my good.
For me, this place of ambiguity and struggle is where the rubber meets the road. Will I ultimately trust in my circumstances and feelings, or will I really go with Jesus, wherever?
3 comments:
What a challenge you've laid out Cici: Will I ultimately trust in my circumstances and feelings, or will I really go with Jesus, wherever?
As an outside (and distant) observer to your adoption process, it sounds like you are really going with Jesus, that in the end you are surrendering to choosing obedience and submission to Christ, confessing, confronting and forgiving along the way.
I'm so sad to hear about the delays, barriers, and silence. May you see Jesus make a way for your sweet little one to come home soon.
I appreciated your meditation and application, for that phrase ("I'll go with you, wherever,") didn't stand out to me, but your challenge goes to my heart.
I think of how sometimes I can physically go where Jesus calls me, but am I emotionally and spiritually there? Am I willing to engage with the people, listen to their stories, sit in the pain or the joy? Have I checked out, or am I withholding from people? Can I be fully present in prayer?
I leave for a student conference today. I feel challenged to be fully present there, not simply physically there.
A few other words popped off the page this morning:
* the leper on his KNEES
* Jesus WANTS to heal the leper
* "appropriate expressions of thanks to God"
* "cleansed and grateful life"
* Jesus "taken aback" by "simple trust"
* Jesus heals the "inwardly tormented" and "bodily ill"
* the 2 madmen near Gadarenes were "victims" of demons
The ideas of humility before God and others and of gratitude and thankfulness to God seemed to be reinforced. I wonder if I need to return to a practice (discipline?) of thankfulness.
I missed the "wherever" too. Will I follow Him into denying myself? Into betrayal? Into heartache? Into rejection? Into loss and grief? Those don't sound as appealing or glamorous as following Him on a mission or into a new challenge. Praying through my "wherevers" today.
What a challenging thought - are we really ready to go WHEREVER He calls us. It's so funny...when I first committed to the Christian life back in college, I had the attitude that I had to give up some "fun" things about my lifestyle, but then my life would be "better." Well, in some ways, it definitely has been...but in others, it's much harder.
As I have matured and spent more time in God's word, I realize more and more how it is a high calling to follow Jesus. It's not glamorous, it's not always adventurous or exciting. Instead, it's all about death to self. To my rights, my expectations, even my dreams and hopes...but trusting that God will replace them with His dreams and hopes, that are so much richer and sweeter. But the whole death to self part is something that I keep banging my head against as a mom of young kids. Life is hard right now. I see my sin and my junk. I want to blame it on sleep or hormone imbalance or my husband not helping enough, but ultimately, I think Jesus is showing me that this is just a taste of what it means to follow Him...and let Him refine me and make me more like Himself. Ouch!
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