You shook earth to the foundations, ripped open huge crevasses. Heal the breaks! Everything’s coming apart at the seams. (60:2-3)
This so aptly describes how I feel today – an open hole, a broken soul, coming apart at the seams. I’m in a situation that brings out all of my insecurities, all those messages from the past that come back to haunt me. I am not a valid human being. I am not worth someone taking notice of. Although these messages do not occupy my mind daily, they’re always lurking in the back of my thoughts, ready to surface when triggered.
At this point in my life, I usually know what these triggers are, although I can’t always anticipate them! I knew that the circumstances I was walking into had the potential to pull the trigger and they have. I find myself coming apart at a time when I really want to have it all together.
How does God respond to this brokenness? What does He have to say in the midst of my unraveling? When I ask “You aren’t giving up on [me], are you, God? Give me help for the hard task; human help is worthless.” He responds:
Don’t put your life in the hands of experts who know nothing of life, of salvation life. Mere humans don’t have what it takes; when they die, their projects die with them. (146:3-4)
My heart is tempted to turn to people to validate me, to tell me that I am worth it. To demand words from my husband that will make me feel better. To manipulate situations with my kids so that I get positive feedback on my job as a mother.
God, listen to me shout, bend an ear to my prayer. When I’m far from anywhere, down to my last gasp, I call out, “Guide me up High Rock Mountain!”
You’ve always given me breathing room, a place to get away from it all… (61:1-3)
This is God’s answer to my deep heart cry. And He hasn’t just given me these words, He’s given me the place. I’m sitting in the Swiss Alps, literally looking at the snow-topped Jungfrau as I sit here at the Breathe Conference. The trigger is also His answer. The struggle is also His call.
“Your tears will become the melody of a new song. Your darkness will become the window through which new light will appear. Your doubt will become new ground, solid ground, on which to stand. Expect your theological boxes to explode, to lose all false hope in what My love will provide in this life. Expect your personal dreams to shatter, to lose all false confidence in what My power guarantees in this life. Meditate on each psalm, knowing that I am calling you to walk a road that, for long seasons, you will not enjoy. Then decide, again and again: either cling to Me as I AM or reshape Me into who you want Me to be.” (66LL)
Solid Rock, God, do not allow me to reshape you so that I can put myself back together. My desire is to cling to you as YOU ARE in the brokenness that I am.
2 comments:
Beautiful post, Staci. I think being close to God is an avenue of deep restoration and you are way down the road. Your inner eyes are so opened to Him. Prayed for you this morning Eph 1:18. It's not about more insight, more understanding of the issues we all face but it's all about worship and you do! The source of significant change is an Encounter that is profoundly personal that turns into worship on a snow-capped mountain in the Alps.
Psalm 59:10 God, in His Dependable Love, always shows up on time. In snow-covered mountains. In heat-baked hill countries.
Just a quick update:
Amanda had her baby this morning! "Any day now" from her comment yesterday really was any day! :-)
Elizabeth Ann McKinley (aka Ellie) was born at 7:43 am. 7 lbs 10 oz. Mother and baby are doing well. I'm hoping to see them tomorrow.
Way to go, Amanda! God has richly blessed you and your family.
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