Going through the motions doesn't please you, a flawless performance is nothing to you. (51:16)God, in his mercy, has humbled me once again by convicting me of my performance-orientation. It's long been my natural default, and I constantly put myself under performance. I've been that way for most of my life so it actually feels very normal to me. It's only through God's Spirit working in me that I'm able to recognize it for what it is - sin.
And I'm embarrassed to admit that I can put myself under performance for the dumbest things. Recently, it's been about my almost-three-year-old daughter's dance class. Yes, her dance class. Sigh.
Long story short is that an acquaintance suggested that Claire might really enjoy dance, so I signed her up for an 8-week introductory class this summer. Dance was never my thing, but this woman knows my daughter so I thought it couldn't hurt to try. Little did I know what it would reveal about me!
At the first class, I was mortified to realize that my daughter wasn't dressed properly (no tap shoes, no tights, and flashing her Dora panties at everyone!) And my normally obedient child wouldn't do what the teachers asked of her. She wanted to stare at herself in the mirrors or roll around on the floor. It was awful, and my response was to feel very annoyed with my child.
Before the second class, I was totally wound up at trying to find the right shoes and tights (harder than you would think), and I also wondered how I could get Claire to cooperate more in class. In fact, I spent much of the week beating myself up for what an incompetent mother I am. I can't do anything right, I'm going to embarrass her and me for the rest of her life, how will I be able to handle harder things when I can't even get this right, and on and on and on.
Seriously. Over tap shoes and tights and a three-year-old dance class. Arrrggghhh.
This is not my usual behavior so I laughed about it at first, but lately I've been thinking more about what's really going on in me:
- Who exactly am I performing for? The teachers? The other moms? Why was I so embarrassed?
- Um, how are shoes and tights a basis for evaluating my competence as a mom??
- What am I believing about God and myself when I have reactions like this?
- What's going on in my heart that this could even be on my radar??
Thankfully, I know that my performance means nothing to the Lord, that my God is more powerful than my sin and that my repentance is pleasing to Him. (1 John 1:9) My God is loving, merciful, generous, and forgiving, and He offers a new, true (and idol-free) life.
Generous in love - God, give grace! Huge in mercy - wipe out my bad record. Scrub away my guilt, soak out my sins in your laundry...What you're after is truth from the inside out. Enter me, then; conceive a new, true life. (51:1-2, 6)
I call out to High God, the God who holds me together...God delivers generous love, he makes good on his word. (57:2-3)
3 comments:
Psalm 55 was the cry of my heart 4 years ago when i was in the middle of cruel betrayal and desperate to know if God would still use me, still want me after all the slander and trashed reputation...wondering if vs. 29 and following would ever be true of my life. Would God carry that heavy load? Would He save me from toppling? would He vindicate me? Or was all the slander actually true and had God turned his back on me?
"And I trust in you." (v 22)
Here I sit 4 years later on a balcony in Switzerland, watching the mist rise off the lake, listening to the birds and the church bells ring. Who could have ever imagined? Who would believe that from that ugly mire would come this beauty and God allowing us to impact His world out of our brokenness. He didn't owe any of this to us. It is a gift and I am amazed.
Cici,
Your post really ministered to me today. As you know, I'm in this weird waiting period right now as labor could start any day. What has been hardest during this time is dealing with everyone's opinions. Should I induce? Should I still try to labor naturally?
When I went into the hospital 2 days ago, thinking it was real labor, when 3 hours later we found out it wasn't and were sent home, my main concern was what the nurses thought of me. They must've been snickering, "must be a first time mom!" even though this is my second. Then I was embarrassed to have to tell all our friends and family who we had already called on the way to the hospital that it wasn't the real thing and we were going back home. Why do people's opinions of me matter so much??
God has been challenging me to examine my heart and my motives. Like your performance issue, I have a need to look good in the eyes of others. It becomes an idol, something that is more important to me than what God thinks of me. I feel enslaved to other's opinions and like I can never do enough. Oh, the depths of my sin!
But Psalms is also reminding me how merciful our God is and how all He asks for is a broken and contrite heart. Create in me a clean heart, O Lord, and renew a right spirit within me.
Plus, my 17 mo has started climbing out of his crib. I've asked for opinions from moms I trust (like you) but I'm also getting inundated with opinions from family members. It's wearing me out. I feel tossed to and fro on the waves of the sea.
He sees the full extent of our evil. Psa 51:4 I am blinder & more bankrupt than I realize. Such Generous Love, Gracious Mercy wiping out our bad records. Psa 51:1. His Spirit is so awakening my heart in some suffering. Your lives intrigue invite. Deep calls to deep. Thanks for your friendships. Sitting in an ER [not for me] in Tacoma. Sent from Verizon wireless.
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