It's interesting to be older and yet feel dumber. To be more mature in years and in my faith and yet to struggle more with frustration, lack of confidence, and doubt. I feel as though I have fewer answers, more questions, and less energy to deal with any of it. I never expected my spiritual life to look like this after nearly four decades of walking with an all-powerful, all-loving, good God alive in me. My previous definitions of maturity included: no more feeling the pull of temptations; knowing how to handle difficult theological situations and messy people; and a well-organized, meaningful ministry (with measurable results, of course). Now, even my definition of maturity is being turned upside down and inside out. I feel like the target I've aimed for has been replaced by something much less defined.
"[Christ's] followers in Thessalonica were less than a year old in their Christian life when, through Paul, [God] wrote this letter to them. Their nursery-school faith was more mature than the faith of many Christians today who think they're in college. Their work of faith kept them turning away from idols toward [God]. Their labor of love kept them serving [God], the living God and true God, despite severe opposition. and their endurance of hope kept them waiting for [the] Son's return to rescue them from the coming wrath." (66LL)
... we call to mind your work of faith, your labor of love, and your patience of hope in following our Master, Jesus Christ, before God our Father...People come up and tell us how you received us with open arms, how you deserted the dead idols of your old life so you could embrace and serve God, the true God. They marvel at how expectantly you await the arrival of his Son, whom he raised from the dead—Jesus, who rescued us from certain doom. (1:3, 9, 10)
God replies to my wonderings,
"You are in a good place. You're losing confidence in your own resources for steering your way through life. That loss of confidence, that dying to self, what you feel as frustration, is opening your ears to hear what I'm saying in this fifty-second love letter.... Now look at your own life. You turn to Me, not fully, but meaningfully. You serve Me - sometimes yielding to fatigue - but never for long. And you're waiting for My Son's return, not always passionately but with an anchoring hope that never fully disappears. I'm pleased." (66LL)
I still don't understand, but I'm seeking to rest in the One who holds my wonderings.
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