Remember every road that God led you on for those forty years in the wilderness, pushing you to your limits, testing you so that he would know what you were made of, whether you would keep his commandments or not. He put you through hard times. He made you go hungry. (8:2-3)This is the passage that I've wrestled with for the past four years. And it never fails. When I get to this point in the reading each year, there's always something going on that stops me in my tracks. Four years ago, it was major financial chaos; last year, it was major relational chaos. This year, it's more financial uncertainty, relational disappointments, and some level of emotional dissatisfaction.
I'm grateful it's not chaos again, but this year I am wrestling with how hard motherhood often feels, even though I have delightful children. It's not the physical part of mothering that's difficult for me; it's the emotional side of it.
And every day it's crystal clear to me: it's not my kids. They're just acting like kids. The problem is ME. I'm ridiculously selfish. I want things my way. I want my house to be neat and clutter-free. I don't like little people demanding things of me. I get tired of serving everyone else and putting my needs (okay, wants) last.
I'm beginning to realize that my precious girls are the mirror that God is using to show me my sin and unholiness. It ain't pretty, my friends. I once had a counselor tell me that he didn't know he was selfish until he got married and he didn't know he was angry until he had children. Boy, do I understand that one now!
I'm often tempted to blame my sin on circumstances, on what's going on around me. You know - the girls are especially fussy, I don't feel well, I'm tired, or whatever. But these verses don't give me that option. They remind me that all of my difficult circumstances are from the Lord for a purpose; it's not just happenstance.
He's the one pushing me to my limits. He's the one testing me. He's the one who led me to these hard times. And God is doing it to see what I'm made of. Will I trust and obey Him even when He's not coming through for me the way I want Him to, not satisfying my desires?
"I brought you out of the [prison of self-centeredness] to bring you into the freedom of love. Love has no meaning unless it remains alive when the one you claim to love seems distant and unresponsive. If you love Me only when I immediately satisfy your desires, your love is merely one more form of self-centeredness. Your love becomes trust only when you choose to believe that I brought you out of something bad to bring you into something good before you experience that something good. Then your love is sustained by confidence in My character, not by enjoyment of current blessings." 66 LL
3 comments:
Interesting that yesterday the simple act of hanging up my husband's dress shirts out of the dryer triggered a memory from my teen years. My thoughts went to how I was wronged and treated like I was less than valued. My initial response to this trigger was to feel sorry for myself, to blame someone else for my emotional struggles.
According to the verses you quote here, Cici, God put me through that hard time. He allowed it, tested me with it not only at the time of the offense, but even yesterday and today. I wish I could say that I responded to that memory with gratefulness for God's drawing me to Himself, with love for the overwhelming value that He puts on me.
So, I'll try again now. God, thank You for the hurtful memories that remind me that You alone are the One who loves me and accepts me absolutely. You have allowed all things in my life for Your glory.
What a great reminder, Cici. Rather than blaming my circumstances and giving myself an excuse to be bratty (a fussy child is my most common one these days!), I want to recognize that God is leading me, perhaps taking me through a wilderness of my own, like the Israelites. I want to learn, I want to remember who God is and I want to cling to Him, even when things aren't easy.
Miss you ladies and this blog - I've been playing catch up, but finally am back up to speed. woo hoo!
Yeah it's hard when circumstances or annoyances, worries, anything gets in the way of my day. I almost want to wake up, have a beautiful time with God and then go on and have a beautiful day worshipping and living for Him. Ha. But then I remember we live in this world still. I long for experiencing God and feeling the nearness of God everyday but especially on those days when I really am not trusting or clinging tightly to Him. Especially when things aren't going my way.
Lord, my love, my best friend, help me to love You with a real love. Like Yours. A love that loves You and trusts You and stays close to You through all things, thick and thin, hard and easy. Help me to know that even when things aren't fun or joyful or easy, that You're behind it all- that You've got me, You've got a plan. And just to trust and walk forward in love and obedience, Lord. Help me to understand what it means to not fear anything else but to fear You, walk with You, love You, serve You with all my heart and with all my soul. Lead me into Your arms and guide me to follow hard after You. You're worth it, my Lord.
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