"Standing in Your grace seems more resistible than falling into my selfishness." 66 LLI struggle against selfishness, and this sin rears its ugly head quite often, whether or not it shows up in my behavior. It's there, and it's a constant battle in my heart and mind against demanding my way. That innate selfishness, cultivated over many years of being single and legitimately all-about-me, is what's made motherhood feel so difficult. While I love my children more than life itself, I remember what it was like to always have my own way and to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. (Sigh.) And many times a day that feels very compelling.
Yet I want to live in freedom from this sin that frequently overwhelms my heart. I don't want to be a slave to my fleshly desires. I appreciate Crabb's comment about John Owen, "the Puritan pastor who, like [Martin] Luther, understood that true freedom develops in fierce battle...Owen knew that I have saved you from self-centeredness and freed you to love. The battle is on." 66 LL
These days everything feels difficult. I'm not trying to be melodramatic, but at every turn - relationally, financially, and with the adoption - it seems that progress is being thwarted, which is tiresome. It is a battle in my weary heart to press on, to trust God, and to not give up. But in the midst of it, I'm clinging to this truth in Galatians 2:
So I quit being a "law [wo]man" so I could be God's [wo]man. Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central...Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that. (2:19-21)Lord, You live in me. Amazing. I pray that Your Spirit will enable me to walk by faith, particularly during these days when life seems overwhelming and difficult, when life feels like a battle. I truly want to enter into all that You do - and have done - for me, embracing what You've arranged for me. (3:11) I know I'm struggling, Lord, but I pray You'll help me to struggle well.
1 comment:
Thanks for sharing your heart, Cici.
It might be the coffee I was just drinking this morning, but I am so moved and excited starting Galatians today. I was underlining everything. Why? Probably because I am so not free in Christ in my everyday life and I know I'm making up some "alien-message" (1.7) and often being a "crazy Galatian, taking leave of my senses...where it's obvious that I am no longer having the crucified Jesus in clear focus of my life" (3.1). What a refreshing reminder from Paul that I "am not set right with God by rule-keeping but only through personal faith in Christ Jesus...not by trying to be good." (2.15-16)
The truth, the TRUE message, the freedom in this gives us Hope. Hope in Christ as we await His return for us. He's rescued us from this world yet we're still in it because He has plans for us now, here. God, let me be a person who has a right relationship with You by embracing what You arrange for me. (3.11) The truth brings hope. God fulfills His promises.
And Cici, cling to Him sister, my advent devotional encouraged me to remember that in times of waiting for God, He increases our faith and our belief. Just like Israel waiting for their Messiah. And us waiting for God today. "The children of God waited and waited, only to eventually rise again in agreement, hold their breath and let our a hopeful cry. This continued for years." Our God is faithful and this time of the year is the best to meditate on it! Praying for you and His comfort and peace which surpasses all understanding, guarding your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus. Love you! :) Your broken heart to love and care for this child across the world is so encouraging and I'm so thankful for it. Continue to pray for her life, I know God is watching over this child. :)
Also so encouraged by Genesis 22:1-14 in this season.
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