Jumping out of the boat, Peter walked on the water to Jesus. But when he looked down at the waves churning beneath his feet, he lost his nerve and started to sink. He cried, "Master, save me!" Jesus didn't hesitate. He reached down and grabbed his hand. Then he said, "Faint-heart, what got into you?" (14:29-31)I think Jesus is asking me the same question. Or as the NIV puts it, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?"
I've been doubting God. I'm pretty sure that's why I've been tearful and down lately. This adoption has tested - and is testing - my faith in ways I've never experienced. I didn't even have this much emotion around not being married well into my thirties! That seemed survivable and even normal; this wait for Molly has left me with what feels like a gaping hole in my heart. Will I survive??
I can relate to Peter in this story. Eighteen months ago, I, too, boldly stepped out of the boat and followed Jesus whole-heartedly into this adoption, not realizing exactly what I was risking. And like Peter, now I have lost my nerve and am sinking hard and fast as circumstances threaten to overwhelm me. Master, save me!
"The wind really was boisterous and the waves really were high, but Peter didn't see them at first. He didn't consider them at all; he simply recognized his Lord, stepped out in recognition of Him, and "walked on the water." Then he began to take those things around him into account, and instantly, down he went. Why couldn't our Lord have enabled him to walk at the bottom of the waves, as well as on top of them? He could have, yet neither could be done without Peter's continuing recognition of the Lord Jesus...
If you are truly recognizing your Lord, you have no business being concerned about how and where he engineers your circumstances...Let your actual circumstances be what they may, but keep recognizing Jesus, maintaining complete reliance upon Him." Oswald Chambers, My Utmost For His HighestHarry and I met with our social worker this morning to update our home study. To the faithless part of me, it seems absurd, given the discouraging pace of referrals (matching children to waiting families) out of Rwanda. I mean, why bother wasting our time and money on this task if the adoption's not really going to happen anyway?
The social worker asked if we would consider switching countries, something Harry and I haven't really discussed. I've been sorely tempted to throw in the towel on the whole adoption so the pain will stop (as if!), so I was shocked by the faith-filled words that came out of my mouth. Looking at Harry, I said, "I think we need a clear yes or no from Rwanda to quit moving forward. Just because the waiting is hard doesn't mean that we're supposed to give up. God is doing something in the waiting." And he agreed.
Even though my emotions aren't cooperating, I know, on some level, my heart is recognizing Jesus in this whole mess. He is doing a great work in me, in us. Yes, I cry a lot more than usual, but I have glimpses of God's mighty work on our behalf. I'm asking the Lord to empower me to struggle well, and for the most part, my heart's desire is to build His temple, not my own.
Still, there are plenty of moments when I wonder about God's purpose and plan in all of this. I ask again and again, "Are You sure this is what You have for us, Lord?"
"If you debate for even one second when God has spoken, it is all over for you. Never start to say, "Well, I wonder if He really did speak to me?" Be reckless immediately - totally unrestrained and willing to risk everything - by casting your all upon Him. You do not know when His voice will come to you, but whenever the realization of God comes, even in the faintest way imaginable, be determined to recklessly abandon yourself, surrendering everything to Him. It is only through abandonment of yourself and your circumstances that you will recognize Him. You will only recognize His voice more clearly through recklessness - being willing to risk your all." My Utmost for His HighestFather, I pray for the courage to abandon myself to You, to believe You whole-heartedly. When I can't understand Your ways. When things aren't going my way. When I want to throw in the towel. Give me the faith to trust You no matter what and to be willing to risk everything. I want to recognize You at every moment.
3 comments:
From another faint-heart...
In chapter 14, it hit me that Jesus heard that his cousin John, his Elijah, was cruelly beheaded. He tried to get away by himself (v. 13-14), but was unsuccessful. He was "overcome" with the needs of the people around him and sacrificially moved in to heal and love them, in the midst of his own grief. Then, he fed 5000 before he was able to finally get alone and pray (v. 22-23).
In my pain, I also want to be alone and can feel justified in drawing 'boundaries' around my perceived need to get away. So often, though, God calls to something else, to giving myself away to someone in need at the very time when I want to escape. It's often through this that I know Him more deeply and when the time alone does come, it's that much richer and I'm much more needy for Him.
Your journal entry Cici is a beautiful picture of "hanging on" by faith in the midst of such pain. Wow! Tears falling down my face! I will be standing with you in prayer as you allow God to settle this adoption matter. Can you share specifically how we should be praying alongside you? I love you!
The Oswald Chambers verse hit my heart and I felt the love of God fill my heart this morning knowing He is with me during the hardest of circumstances. Dan lost his steady client this week. Today is his last day. I will again wait upon God as He provides for us new clients. He had this steady client for a year. Life is changing for me again. I feel safe knowing God loves me and feeling it too.
Lisa - thanks for your love and prayers.
At this point, I'd ask for prayers for Molly and whomever her caregivers are. Since we don't yet know who she is, we don't know if she's been born yet. Either way, please pray for everything she and they need physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Also, please pray for the nuns who will be making all of the matches - for wisdom, discernment, and plenty of grace in their difficult situation. And of course, for peace, patience, and plenty of faith for us.
And I'll be praying along with you for a new client (or more!) for Dan. Another opportunity to trust God, huh??
I love you too, and I'm looking forward to seeing you soon!
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