It could just be that I'm distracted by all that's going on in my life right now, but I think there's more to it. It's not the busyness of VBS planning or the three week break from Mother's Day Out or the mild dissatisfaction I'm feeling about myself. I've been focused on the symptoms rather than the root of my problem.
On one hand, I'm totally annoyed by Job's friends and by what they're saying to him. They're uncompassionate friends. Yet I can see myself in Bildad, Eliphaz, and Zophar, and I don't like that. It disturbs me to realize that I believe and do and say many of the same things to people in my life.
"There was no mystery in the world of Eliphaz. No ambiguity. No reasonable doubt...Quick with platitudes but slow on patience, he preached but didn't pray, counseling Job with consulting God." Eugene Peterson, Conversations, pg. 745
"Bildad's theology was one of rules to be obeyed rather than a relationship to be enjoyed." pg. 739
"[Zophar] sat in the chair as a pious moralist. His world was black and white. To him, every person was either wicked or righteous. There were no shades of gray, no uncertainties, no ambiguities." pg. 730These hit a little close to home. I'm guilty. And God is causing me to look deeply into my own attitudes, motives, judgments, and how I've impacted those around me.
On the other hand, I'm completely disrupted by what God allows in Job's life. Our Heavenly Father has reduced this man to nothing - worse than nothing - and it's hard to watch.
God alienated my family from me; everyone who knows me avoids me. My relatives and friends have all left; houseguests forget I ever existed...My wife can't stand to be around me anymore...Everyone I've ever been close to abhors me; my dearest loved ones reject me. (19:13-20)That scares me. God scares me, on some level.
"Suffering without explanation creates the opportunity for faith in Me, the kind of faith that sees My heart. Suffering with explanation allows you to maintain the false hope of control. In My plan, I remove all sources of hope but Me, thereby revealing the narrow road to holiness, the only road that leads to My party. It's the road of trusting me in darkness so dark that all reason for trust is obscured." 66 LLI'm realizing that I've never really suffered. The suffering I've endured has been self-inflicted, a product of my own sinful choices. I have explanations for my suffering, so I've maintained a false hope of control, the illusion that I determine the amount of suffering that enters my life.
The up-close look at Job's unexplained and undeserved suffering is really, really bothering me. I don't know what to do with it. I'm struggling with the mystery of it. So my emotions are all over the map, and I'm in a funk as I try to process this.
Once again, I don't have a bow to tie around this one. I'm still wrestling, but thankfully, Eugene Peterson has helped me to put this in perspective again:
"Job knew he couldn't understand God, but he chose to trust him anyway. He knew he would never figure God out, but he was confident that God was doing the best for him. He didn't get answers to the questions he asked, yet in spite of God's silence, Job followed him unswervingly and obeyed him unrelentingly. And in doing so, he gave us an example of how to endure unjust suffering." Conversations, pg. 746
4 comments:
Caroline - thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I really appreciate you taking the time to write to us.
From what you shared of your story, I KNOW I have a lot to learn from you. (I had already written today's post when I read your comments.)
And no worries about me quitting the blog! God is using it in my life and if it was just Staci and I writing to each other, that'd be fine. :-) It's forcing me to engage with Scripture everyday on a deeper level, and it's been very meaningful in my walk with the Lord. I just like engaging with others as well!
And of course I know that others are out there. Stacy's been commenting, along with Amy and Lisa, so I know you guys still in it!
I love your heart, Caroline, and am very grateful for your words.
Love,
Cici
The word "platitudes" jumps out at me. My friend lost her husband last year and today is her anniversary. I just called her and was at a loss for words and said: Happy Anniversary. What!!! Then I start kicking myself. And I was all over my husband last night cause he didn't help me fast enough (from Austin) when I got food poisoning and a flat in McKinney this weekend. And grace covers all. It's not about performance or words or actions but all about my surrender and brokenness. What is happening inside of me as I read your comments day after day is stunning---a Beautiful God showing up for this mess of a life. Love Him so. Thanks for bringing God here day after day through humble words and lives.
PS - I think I'm finally back to being able to comment. Caught up on the readings. Working full-time teaching and planning a wedding celebration for 300 was a stretch. Back to normal. Deeply appreciate both of your humble and holy comments. Touches deep places in me.
My emotions are all over the place too. Some of Crabb's comments on Job make it sound like if you haven't suffered tragically then you can only go so far in your relationship with God. I don't know what I think of that because I have gone through some "rough" times but nothing I would qualify as major suffering in my life, but I do feel like I'm on the right path with God. Am I being naive? And not having experienced any personal tragedy, I feel incompetent when I am faced with someone who IS suffering...I always struggle with the right words to say or write and the right thing to do. Wanting to be compassionate but not knowing how to handle a conversation when the other person is angry or blaming God for the tragedy in their life.
On a different note, one of the Saints my daughter learned about this year is Saint Rita. She had a great devotion to the Passion of Christ and she prayed, "Please let me suffer like You, divine Savior." God answered her prayer by giving her a wound on her forehead from a thorn that never healed and gave her "much suffering" for the rest of her life. When I read that my first thought was, "I don't know that that would be my prayer...a prayer to suffer."
Job has my mind and heart spinning and I'm praying for understanding.
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